Hallelujah
by NessaroseEast
Summary: Mormor Sebastian character study after Jim's death. Rated for implied sex, nothing explicit.


**A/N: So, I hope you guys enjoy this. It's some pretty sad Mormor, I think. You should listen to Rufus Wainwrite Hallelujah, I got my lyrics from him, they're his, not mine.**

_**I've heard there was a secret chord  
That David played, and it pleased the Lord  
But you don't really care for music, do you?**_

It was raining. I sat on my knees in the mud on the freshly covered grave where you lay buried forever. I was wearing my best, the suit I would wear when we had to do jobs in public. You bought it for me, remember?

_**It goes like this  
The fourth, the fifth  
The minor fall, the major lift  
The baffled king composing Hallelujah**_

I thought back to the roof. You and He were talking. You had said that would be it, that you'd be okay. That you wouldn't go to the end. But you put that gun to your mouth, you pulled the trigger and then He jumped. I didn't want to believe you had done it. You promised me you wouldn't but you did.

_**Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah**_

You had said there were thirteen possibilities. Thirteen. And you would survive most of them. Why did you have to do one that ended the way you did?

_**Your faith was strong but you needed proof  
You saw her bathing on the roof  
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you**_

The moment you heard of Him, you were lost to me, weren't you? You still loved me, and I you, but He was fascinating in a way I wasn't.

_**She tied you to a kitchen chair  
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair  
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah**_

You brought Him down, though. But He's not dead. You are, and He isn't. I've tried finding Him, but He's like a ghost, destroying everything you worked so hard to build, tearing down everything you were to the world.

_**Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah**_

I left your grave and went to the nearest bar. I drank and drank, but I can never forget you, no matter how hard I try or how much I drink.

_**Maybe I have been here before  
I know this room, I've walked this floor  
I used to live alone before I knew you**_

I was hammered when I got back to our flat, my head pounding. Sometimes I don't even recognize it as our flat. It seems so much emptier, so much darker without you. It makes me think of a time before you, when my life was dark and empty with nothing to hold onto.

_**I've seen your flag on the marble arch  
Love is not a victory march  
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah**_

There are slits in the kitchen table where you slamed knives clean through and your chair is frayed on the arms where you picked at them. I felt like I was punched in the stomach. I didn't think it would hurt so much to lose you.

_**Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah**_

I lay in bed and thought of a time when you would be in my arms. You'd radiate heat like a furnace and trace the scars on my chest as you spoke of the events of the day. Some days were exciting and you would talk animatedly, but most days were slow and you'd drift off to sleep before you could finish. I smiled, imagining you were still here.

_**There was a time you let me know  
What's real and going on below  
But now you never show it to me, do you?**_

I woke the next morning and groaned when the hangover hit. I pulled off my clothes and dragged myself to the bathroom and turned on the water. I stepped in and closed my eyes, allowing the water to hit my face. Every morning you'd tell me what you had planned for the day, as part of our routine. You'd give me the files of who you wanted me to get rid of and we'd eat breakfast as I looked them over. I got out of the shower, threw some clothes on, and left the flat.

_**And remember when I moved in you?  
The holy dark was moving too  
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah**_

I walked for a long time, losing myself in the city you loved. When I was out of breath, I stopped in the doorway of a boarded up building. I closed my eyes and thought of our nights. We would show our love to each other, your eyes would glint with life and love. We finished together and panted in the afterglow, holding one another, not letting go.

_**Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah**_

I pulled myself out of the painful memories and walked down the street with my head down. I lose myself in memories, good and bad, of you. I can't stop it from happening. I close my eyes and all I see is you.

_**Maybe there's a god above  
And all I ever learned from love  
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you**_

Some of the memories that came back were of jobs we did. Most prominently was where He drew His gun on you. I was almost panicked. I knew you had a gun, but He was so clever, ready to blow up Himself and His friend if it meant taking you down. I had my rifle trained on His head, ready to kill if His hand so much as twitched.

_**And it's not a cry you can hear at night,  
It's not somebody who's seen the light  
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah**_

I was brought back out of my thoughts as it started to rain. I let the tears flow freely, letting the rain wash them away. Without you, it's cold and dark and I once again have nothing left to lose.

_**Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah**_

I don't pay attention as I walk into someone. I have my hand on my gun in my pocket and turn to look at them. They're wearing a hood but I see their face.

"Jim?"


End file.
